


Logan, What Do You Need?

by Fangirltothefullest



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Logan angst, M/M, sick fic towards the end, talk of abuse that Logan didn’t realize was abuse because his parents relied way too heavily on him, talk of being forced to grow up too quickly, talk of being sick, talk of emotional suppression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2018-12-01
Packaged: 2019-09-04 23:28:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16799173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fangirltothefullest/pseuds/Fangirltothefullest
Summary: Patton realizes Logan never expresses his own wants and doesn’t know how to say no to them. So he, Roman and Virgil decide to confront him about it.





	Logan, What Do You Need?

Logan needs a hug, but the very problem with that statement is the word "needs". As far as he is aware, he is adequate without it and that is the very problem. He does not know any better.

Patton watches him move around the house and for the first time since knowing Logan for two months, it strikes him that Logan never asks for anything.

He initially chalks it down to being independent, but it is surely more than that. If they ask him to get something he drops what he is doing and just gets it, no questions asked. So Patton tests his theory in proper scientific fashion as Logan is always talking about and his results are conclusive.

Logan doesn't say "no" unless it is to spare the others some inconvenience.

Roman announces his intent to skate down the handrail to practice for a scene he is rehearsing and Logan immediately tells him no and chides him for his childishness. Patton watches intently as Logan twitches in response to Roman's audible complaint that Logan never let's him do anything fun but ultimately he stands his ground as one would a parent to a bad child.

And yet later when Patton asks Logan if he would like something to drink he looks at him confused for a moment but politely accepts and insists he can do it himself and that Patton should not have to trouble himself......

But that is of course troubling to Patton all on it’s own.

How could this math teacher at a fancy university be so concerned with the welfare of everyone except himself?

He notices Logan continues to quietly sit in his armchair as the others just invite themselves onto the couch for cuddles during movie night. It does not escape Patton's notice when Logan shifts his gaze to glance at them, nor does it escape his notice how Logan adjusts in his seat and refocuses his attention to the screen. Does he want to join? Why doesn’t he just park himself between them?

"Is he touch averse?" Roman asks one day, because of course he would ask, having been with Virgil a lot longer than the rest of them. When dysphoria hits Virgil and he feels like he’s crawling in his own incorrect skin he doesn’t want anyone to touch him, least of all himself and he resorts to baggy clothes of particular textures for comfort, avoiding the others physically as needed. Of course they give him space but that is why Roman asks. Is Logan just averse to their touch?

It was a question Patton was not terribly sure of the answer. It isn't as if Logan shies away from their touch, but he doesn't seem to actively seek it out either.

Patton knows that Logan had grown up with six younger siblings. Perhaps being the oldest made him feel overly responsible for them.

Patton isn't wrong.....

\-------------------------------------------------------

Logan is a very private person out of necessity. At a time when his family was in turmoil, when his father had lost his job and his youngest sibling was three as Logan was fourteen, it was necessary for him to take up any slack his parents provided.

Logan watched his mother cry and try to hide it... watched her stress and slave as she hunted for jobs online for his father while his father went out for interviews.

He watched them scramble for dinner and yell when they were frustrated. He changed his youngest sibling's diapers and took the others to school even when it meant he had to walk them. He made it his goal to give them what his parents could not provide because they were busy with their own worries and struggles.

But he learned very quickly that his opinions and voice, his needs and desires, hopes and wants must be thought of as third priority. There were siblings to take care of, a mother to console and listen to, a father to encourage. There was laundry to fold, siblings to round up and keep fed, homework to help with and baths to run. He had no time for much else.

Logan learned very quickly growing up that if he was sad to either cry quickly in a closet, or if he had no time, to just suck it up, push it down and deal with what needed to be done. Be Serious; be Grown Up and put on a mask of calm and collected logic because it was Necessary.

So what if he cried himself to sleep sometimes? That is life and life isn’t fair! 

He had to be quiet or the siblings he shared a room with would wake up and he had to keep them getting their rest on a proper schedule. They had school and as such they needed to be properly asleep. So what if he lost sleep hearing every little snort and movement made by his siblings? Losing sleep was part of the deal and something he had come to terms with. Their lives, their grades, their time and energy was first priority and he as their parent eldest sibling, was third priority because he had his parents to console as well.

He learned the Truth very quickly: Being third priority is _fine_. He does not _want_ for much. He does not _need_ much. He can take care of himself and all those little things people enjoy frivolously like toys and television, hugs and kisses are distractions and are necessary for some people but not entirely necessary for himself. 

He survived without them; he didn’t die so _obviously_ he’s fine.

As long as they are happy, Logan is happy.

That is how those things work, right?

When his grades fell because of the lack of sleep and his mother spent twenty minutes berating him for not doing better, crying about how she didn’t raise him to just give up, and if only he could be more motivated because she had so much on her mind and therefore he needed to take up some of the slack, Logan vowed to work thrice as hard as he could. He lost even more sleep at night but had his schedule locked down and he could not budge from it at all or everything would have fallen apart. He managed to nap during lunch so he's be rested. Skipping one meal was fine so long as his parents were happy and he was giving them results. sometimes he would even skip his own dinner so his parents didn’t have to worry about paying so much for food. One meal a day was enough, it was _fine_.

 _He_ was fine. 

He got sick a lot but he never let it show because his father somehow was under the impression that Logan was a diva and a wretch to deal with when he was sick. Logan didn't understand why his father kept insisting he was a whiny brat when he was sick but it meant he had to try his very hardest not to be a nuisance or a bother when he did fall ill. If it got bad enough to show he would get himself to bed and sleep as long as he could, trying to be as much a shadow as was possible while still being available for his siblings to come to for advice and tending to their general needs.

He learned to handle himself and take care of himself very early on into his life, choosing to ignore his needs for the needs of others and keep himself going on determination and self-beration as much as possible to make his parents proud of how responsible he was.

He had convinced himself that he was lesser than those around him and continued to tell this to himself even when he grew old enough to move out.

That pesky feeling that claws at his chest when he is upset, longing, wishing for things to be different, for him to be worth more..... it really hurts and pulses into his palms when he’s sad but he’s learned to easily ignore it. It’s commonplace for Logan to push aside his pain. 

Because his pain isn’t something to take stock in. They’re proud of how responsible he is and he is responsible because he has foregone any emotions other than placating acceptance and understanding that others feel so deeply and openly and he is _not supposed to._

He craves acceptance and praise but he can’t openly ask for it. That’s not how it _works_. That’s not how the world has taught him.

So he grows older and studies harder than he’s ever studied in his life. He gets job after job and helps support his family. When his father finally gets back on his feet it’s too late. They expect his income and he doesn’t have the knowledge or vocabulary to stop giving. 

By now it’s expected for him to help support them. He wastes no time on activities of fun. That is for other people. He is cold hard logic. Tenderness does not come easy t him. He is not used to consoling people any more, he is used to offering advice and facts but only if people ask for his advice.

If others are crying or sick, he knows what to do. He knows to get them soft things, he knows to give them soup and medicine and blankets. He knows to make them comfortable, to give them what they need, to tell them they are wanted and loved and beautiful and good. 

He knows nothing of that for himself. He does not ask and they do not just provide it wordlessly like he does.

He finally gets old enough that they do not need him to raise them and yet it makes no difference. the damage is done. Logan has no idea how to be a person, he just knows how to be productive and knows how to provide for others. His “responsibility” and “seriousness” is a direct product of his unwillingness to see himself as anything but third priority above all else. 

He gets job he knew would make money at a high end university so he can provide for himself and his future partner or partners, whatever they decide. He has no clue what he wants.... he knows he does not want to be alone but the sinking feeling that he might be because others are just so much better prospects than him gnaws at his heels everywhere he goes. 

When he finds Roman, Patton and Virgil he has no idea what to do. They say he is their friend. He does not know how to be a good friend but he tries He reads everything he can about how friends work and he tries hi hardest to give that to them. 

They ask him what he wants. He doesn’t. He never thinks about things in that way. He either has something for necessity or looks at it longingly for a few minutes before dismissing it, knowing it’s not necessary to his life. 

And then.... then they do something strange and they tell him they love him. He doesn’t know how he feels, he doesn’t know what he wants. He knows.... he does’t want to lose them. He knows he is comfortable with them in is life. He does not want them to go away and he knows if he lets himself he will cry at the very thought of being abandoned by them. 

But he’s not _stupid_. H’s not _allowed_ to _want_ something. He’s never been allowed to want something after he was 14 years old. He is positive that as soon as they grow tired of him or he is not useful to them he will be cast aside. 

As soon as he is not worth it and his usefulness tanks, they will no longer need him or desire his company so he swallows and tries very very hard to stay needed. 

He does not know how to say no, not when any slip up might have him thrown aside and for once in his life, even if he can’t admit it, he doesn’t want to be alone. 

He already has one family to worry about.... his parents are getting old and he needs to take care of them because it’s his duty and if they leave he doesn’t know what he’ll do. Will his siblings be ok in their jobs? Stable? Will they survive without him? And he can’t just let them _survive_ , HE does that, he needs them to be ok and _comfortable_ and happy in ways he isn’t supposed to be. 

So he sends his family money all the time even when the three he lives with and would die for think it’s silly. He has no idea if they need it but he sends the money anyways because they always thank him. He's just making sure they and their families are taken care of and have nice presents so they can be happy during times like birthdays and Christmas.

Surely they need it.

If they had enough money they would visit him, right? 

But he never gets any visits. Just thanks for the money. He tries really hard to visit them to, but.... they never visit in return and it is easy by now to push the pain back until he only feels it pulse in his chest and his palms and stays locked behind a prison of iron.

Sometimes he wishes they would just.....

But no, he’s not _supposed_ to wish, and he should be grateful they talk to him at all and even more grateful that his partners all still love him. 

And he is grateful, _gods_ he’s so grateful he can barely find words for it. and besides, he shouldn’t want things. Wanting Patton, Roman and Virgil is too much to think about as it is. He’s already so grateful for them he can hardly express it and he’s not about to change the way he sees the world because nothing has thus far shown him that it’s possible.

In Logan's mind, keeping the same routines is natural. For all that he had been through before, he continues to be under the delusion that, no, things cannot change and are not meant to change. That his feelings are unimportant and his needs are simple wants to be cast aside. 

At any minute Patton Roman and Virgil will grow tired of him if he so much as gives them any chance to dislike him.

So he decided really quickly that to keep them Logan will get what they ask of him, do as they request, give them advice and provide them with knowledge that is beneficial. Give them anything and do everything they need of him, but he won't talk about his feelings or what he likes. He won't tell you what he's really thinking.

Ever.

Because he _CANNOT_ lose them.

But Patton knows he cannot let this continue.

\---------------------------------------------------

After two months of observing Logan's troubling behavior, he approaches the others with his findings as they hold a meeting around the dining room table.

"So it's come to my attention that Logan never asks for anything and gives and gives and gives and we don't really do much in the way of changing this routine. I think.... I think he doesn't know that he's allowed to have feelings or want stuff." 

"What are you talking about?" Roman asks. "Isn't he fine? He never complains and he likes his space, how are we supposed to change that?"

"No, he's not fine. In all our time knowing him, has he ever cried in front of any of you?" Patton asks. "Has he ever asked for anything? At all? Ever?!"

Virgil shifts. "He doesn't ever know what he wants for Christmas, he won't even make up his mind. Do you know what he said when I asked him yesterday? He said he was fine.... He said he was perfectly happy just giving us our own presents. Do you have any idea how upsetting that is?"

"What's worse is that I don't think he knows that's upsetting!" Patton frowns and Roman nods.

"He's not touch averse." Virgil says seriously. "I know people experience touch aversion differently but when we do touch him he never shies away. It's like.... He wants it to last longer but is afraid or unwilling to actually ask for it."

"He raised his siblings for a long time." Roman says, finally understanding. "He's told me so. He says it in that nonchalant and unemotional way he does...." Roman waves his hand around. "But that was too much responsibility. What if he took on so much responsibility that he doesn't know that he can give it to other people? I mean even when we have sex he's more interested in making sure we feel good, which is admirable but.... you've all seen that he won't tell us if it was good for him too, he just kind of nods..... what if we're not giving him the kind of love he deserves? What if he needs more from us but he just doesn’t know how to ask for it? Does... does he even know he’s allowed to ask?"

Patton sighs heavily. "We need to confront him right now."

"But he's preparing lesson plans..." Virgil points out. "He's gonna hate it if we interrupt that....."

Roman stands and slams his hands on the table, making Virgil jump. "Oh... sorry Virg.... the point is, I don't care if he's mad. Let him BE mad, let him openly show how he feels, let him know we want to know! We need to know what he's thinking! I want a partner, not a yes man."

Patton nods and stands too and Virgil reluctantly follows.........

\---------------------------------------------------

The three boyfriends stand at his door and Roman taps cautiously. When they get no response, they all nod and open the door a crack. “Logan?” Patton calls but they don’t get a response again.

He peers in and gasps, seeing the light on in the bathroom and a pair of legs sticking out of the door. “LOGAN!” Patton rushes in without question with Virgil and Roman on his heels. 

They find him on the floor, passed out with fever. He was clearly on his way to the bathroom and they can see the bed covers from where he’s been trying to sleep. “Oh gods Logan why didn’t you tell us?” Roman and Patton help lift him up and Logan groans. 

“Lemme go..... got... gotta.... I....” But Virgil yelps and backs off as Logan heaves, puking all over the bathroom tiles and whimpering audibly. From the smell of the room this isn’t the first time he’s puked and Roman's eyes catch sight of the bowl by the bed. 

Virgil touches his forehead. “He’s really burning up you guys.....” Virgil says. “Lo..... Lo can you hear us?” The other doesn’t give much of a response, clearly too exhausted. 

Logan’s head lolls to the side as they bring him to sit against the cold tiles of the bathroom. He shivers and shakes violently and can’t really keep his eyes focused. Patton kneels and tells Roman to handle the bowl and bring it back as Virgil spends time cleaning up the mess. It’s gross as all hell but they’re too worried about Logan to care. 

“Hey there buddy, I gotcha.” Patton says softly as he presses a cool cloth to Logan’s head. 

“S-sorry....” 

Patton looks up when he hears Logan’s soft and barely audible words. He’s still shaking and has curled his arms around himself. “What?”   
  
“I’m... s-sorry.... don’t... don’t hate me...” The hot, fat tears run down his cheeks with abandon then and Patton realizes Logan’s too sick to hold everything back. He just breaks and Roman brings the bowl just in time for him to heave again. 

“Oh my baby, we don’t hate you at all.” Patton says firmly and with as much kindness as he can muster. Patton runs his hand through Logan’s hair as he continues to puke and sob into the bowl and Roman moves to sit on the toilet so he can rub Logan’s back. Virgil comes forward and sets his hand on Logan’s hand and the sick one can hardly breathe. They’re all saying such soft and loving things to him and he doesn’t understand. He’s sick... he’s pathetic and weak and can’t do anything for them like this.... 

“B-but...” Exhaustion steals him as he slumps against the bowl and stares off to the wall, laying against he bowl’s cold metal edge and panting softly from the exertion of throwing up. “I’m whiny...... a-and... awful.. .and... a b-bitch when....” He takes a big breath to continue and his stomach lurches. “When I’m....” He turns and heaves again and its just bile by now but it hurts so much and his stomach muscles are screaming in protest and pain. He whimpers and it’s the most pathetic and sad sound they’ve ever heard and Roman fights back tears as Virgil kisses Logan’s shaky hand. They can tell in that moment that all Logan want a is to feel better and to be told he's loved and to not be alone.

“You are NOT a whiny bitch.” Virgil insists. “You’re not and you never have been! Logan you’re sick, extremely sick! Let us take care of you!” 

He’s too weak to protest any more. He wants this desperately and his brain is too ill and tired to find words or reasons why he should fight. He shudders and his eyes flutter as Roman steals the bowl from him to rinse it out. He moves away and Logan actually whines openly, reaching weakly for Roman as he leaves. He’s too exhausted to hold back and all those years of dealing with being sick alone, having to struggle for the bathroom, struggle to get up and move, to clean it all up himself, all of that just dies. 

Patton pulls Logan into his arms against his chest and Logan cries again. He clutches at him as much as he can and can’t stop sobbing. There's warmth ans atrength in Patton's grip, kind words on His lips. His tears continue for ages until his nose is so stuffed he can’t even snuffle through it. When Roman comes back he reaches a hand out and Roman doesn’t hesitate to take it. Virgil pets his cheek, Patton kisses the top of his head, ignoring how sweaty from the exertion Logan is. 

Their touch is like fire to his freezing, starving skin, it’s like terrible wonderful fire. They’re all holding him in some way and he’s just on the floor with no more energy to cry or care. It’s NICE and he’s HAPPY and he’s too deeply sick to let this go.

They realize he’s fallen asleep when his fever breaks. Patton has been humming songs to him softly and Roman has told him what a wonderful person and boyfriend he is. Virgil’s been telling him it’s ok to ask for stuff and they finally see he’s out when is shivering stops. 

“We need to get him to bed.” Patton says firmly. “And I am not leaving his side no matter what.” 

“You’re gonna get sick too, Pat....” Virgil points out. 

“You think I care?” Patton sighs. “He’s not going to be alone when he wakes up, he needs to know this fever dream wasn’t a dream. He needs to know he can ask for help and that his actions aren’t healthy for him. He needs to know we WANT to help and love and cuddle him just as much as we do for each other.” 

\-----------------------------------------------------------

When Logan wakes, he’s surrounded by warmth on both sides. He doesn’t understand, his head hurts like crazy and he sniffles. Oh great, he had been crying..... He tries to move and feels an arm over him. He freezes and looks up to see Roman’s sleeping face. 

Roman is Right There and he is Holding him and he is Asleep. Logan can feel warmth at his back too and very carefully cranes to see Patton is behind him, his soft curls falling against his face. Over in the chair is Virgil who appears to be sleeping in the uncomfortable spot with his arm a crossed and his head tilted down. 

Logan is Perplexed(tm). What the hell is going on? 

He doesn’t dare move though, because he can feel their arms around him and he's still really tired. He remembers feeling sick and he remembers throwing up... and he kind of remembers trying to get to the bathroom and feeling dizzy? 

But he doesn’t really remember much else except for a few soft little images of them helping him. He can’t deny he’s cherishing those fuzzy foggy images in his head and he pulls Roman closer and nuzzles into him. He smells so good, he smells so _Roman_. 

Why is this happening? Why are they here? 

“You awake?” It’s Patton’s sleepy voice as his arms curl around Logan’s middle and gently try and rub his tummy. Logan isn’t ticklish like Patton is so the motion feels amazing and he whimpers. 

“Why did you all stay? I am gross and possibly contagious....”

“No Lo, you’re sick and you need love and attention and if you aren’t going to ask for your help, we’ve all three decided we’re just going to start forcing our love and help upon you.” 

Logan turns red and Roman yawns and lazily curls closer. “Mmm, don’ move Lo....” He grumbles. “Gotta... love... bee... pancakes.....” he snores and Logan feels something in his heart clench. His stomach hurts again but not because he’s sick. He sniffles softly and holds Roman close. 

“You are not..... Y-you are... this is not... a final nice thing before you all leave.... is it?” His voice is so hesitant and afraid. 

Patton chuckles and reaches over to tap Virgil’s knee, startling him awake. “Sorry Virg, can you make this egghead understand we’re not leaving him?” 

Virgil yawns and stretches, his back in pain from the chair. “I didn’t sleep in this painful fucking position in this uncomfortable chair all night so I could be in the room with you just to have you assuming we don’t love you.” He crawls onto the bed and moves to kneel over Logan. Logan peers up at him as he’s sandwiched between Roman and Patton and blushes. “Logan, I know you took care of your siblings... I know you had a lot of responsibility thrown on you and I know one freaking morning of us saying this shit isn’t going to help solve things magically..... but you need to try and be open with us. We LOVE you. But this won’t work unless you’re open with us. And you need to let us do shit for you.” He flicks his forehead gently and Logan winces. “Ooh... sorry....” 

“No it is.... it is alright. I just....” Logan swallows thickly and feels like he’s parched beyond measure. “I do not... desire to lose you all. And I do not.... feel like I can.... explain... or... or express... what I need to say......” 

“It’s ok.” Patton kisses Logan’s cheek and Virgil scrunches his nose because he knows he’s going to get sick.... “Like Virgil said so, uh... _eloquently_.... we aren’t going to leave you. We love you... and we want this to work. We WANT you to be happy. We WANT you to tell us what’s going on in that big brain of yours.” 

“Yeah specs.” Roman clearly wants to sleep more but he’s not getting it. “We wanna... make you happy too. A relationship’s gotta have equal stuff on all parts.” 

Logan doesn’t know what to say.

“What do you want right now Lo?” Virgil asks as he sits carefully on Logan’s hips cause he wants to avoid accidentally hurting his tummy in case he’s still hurting. “Right now if you could have anything what would you want? You have permission, Logan, you always have permission to ask for what you want, to want things at all. So what do you want right now?” 

Again Logan doesn’t know what to say. He does know what he wants. He needs.... “Water.” He says softly. “I need water.” 

“I know what you _need_ Logan.” Virgil says softly and then more gentle with the fondest look Logan had ever seen on him. “What do you _want?_ ” 

Logan feels his eyes well up with tears, tears he thought he was out of. He doesn’t say anything for a moment, speechless and Virgil says, “Oh baby, it’s ok....” Patton sits up a little and touches his cheek to wipe away tears. Roman holds him a little closer and kisses his other cheek. 

“I- I w-want-” He doesn’t even KNOW but just hearing him say he can ask, telling him he can have a want at all, something about that jut breaks him to pieces and exposes all the mushy little insides he tries so hard to hide away. They fawn over him until he can speak and he finally says, “this.... I w-want this... I want you... I do not want to be kicked out... I do not want to be alone I do not want to be without you!” He chokes on another sob. “I want you to stay with me f-forever, I want you to hold me I want you to- to...” It’s all so much and he feels really weird admitting all of this but they aren’t leaving him and he sniffles, embarrassed beyond reason but _happy_. 

Virgil smiles brightly. “Good, cause that’ll be easy. We weren’t ever planning to leave at all. Now... I think I’ll go get you some water and maybe get you some toast. You’re gonna be in bed all day because I said so...” Patton nods in agreement to Virgil’s statement. “And I’m going to put on a tv show or movie _you_ want to watch and I won’t take ‘whatever you guys like’ as an option. No matter what it is Logan, we’re putting it on for YOU. And then we’re going to spend the whole day with you. It’s a weekend anyways so you have all day and tomorrow to rest, get better and be doted on.” 

Logan watches him go and his head buzzes with confusion. He is quite clearly overwhelmed and yet he isn’t panicking. His tummy and palms, for once, don’t feel that pulsing pain he feels when he’s sick and alone.

Maybe.... maybe this is ok..... 

Maybe, just for now anyways, he can enjoy this. 

Patton sighs happily and watches his dazed overwhelmed look as Logan watches Virgil leave and he knows it’ll take a long time for Logan to unlearn all the bad habits and perceptions he’s placed on himself. But he also knows they will try their very hardest to get him to open up. They fell in love with him for a reason and his real personality slips through when he eats Crofters and enjoys it, when he gets passionate about topics on the news and in books. Patton has seen snippets of the Real Logan behind the mask and if they work really really hard and really really work to make things as they should be, Logan will be a better happier person and they all want that. 

Besides, what is so bad about wanting anyways? 

This is the first step and they’ll make it work. It’ll take time but it’s so worth it because they love him.


End file.
